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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Once, I tried to write a book. How hard could it be? I thought. After all, there are thousands written every year… Oh, the lessons I was to learn. This was how it all went down (and by “down,” I mean careened downhill without brakes).

I started by setting up a writing schedule on my calendar, but I learned my days were numbered.

I tried to outline a plot, but I couldn’t get it write.

So I tried to finish the story in one go but I kept getting a draft.

When I finally finished, I contacted my editor by radio, but he couldn’t read me.

I put my idea to an agent, but she said the concept was too novel.

Then I tried to self-publish, but I wouldn’t make book on my chances.

Every time I tried to format them, the pages took a header.

I thought to publish a custom hard-bound copy so I started to learn bookbinding, but I didn’t have the spine.

And when it was time to hire an artist, I didn’t have enough to cover.

Maybe I should have gone into graphic novels. I could picture that.

#SFWApro

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You want insults? We got insults! Step right up and see our collection of barbs, jibes, cuts, put-downs, take-downs, and kick-em-when-they’re-downs! All genre-specific and guaranteed to make the geek in your life wish he’d never heard of J.J. Abrams! (Which is all of us, frankly.)

Try these on for size…

You couldn’t shoot a basket if you were guarded by a jawa.

You couldn’t sell a comb to an Ewok (or, if you’re really feeling vicious): You couldn’t sell in Infinity Stone to Thanos.

You’re so dumb, you thought the Captain’s Woman was his cleaning lady.

You’re so geeky that every May you go out and buy a Mothra’s Day card.

You probably watch the beginning of every Superman movie so you came see where he came from.

You’re so gullible, I’ve got a bridge on the Enterprise to sell you.

You’re so clueless you actually believe Sheldon is the smartest guy in the room (even though everyone knows it’s Penny).

You can’t be a Sith Lord because you’re too scared of the dark.

And then, when your target is all softened up and reeling, hit ’em with your Sunday Punch:

I hear you actually liked the last Fantastic Four movie.

Remember, use these sparingly. They can be dangerous in the wrong hands.

 

 

 

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Never made the connection before, have you? (Neither have I, to be honest.) And why is that? Because they don’t want us to. If I never blog again, you’ll know why…

  1. If the job’s done right, no one ever sees the hand behind the scenes.
  2. You can train for it, and you can practice for it, but when push comes to shove, you’ll only survive if you were Bourne for it.*
  3. Eventually, you can go to lots of exotic locations and someone else will pay for it.
  4. When you’re on assignment, you live or die on your own.
  5. If you make a mistake with a gun, someone you never see will attack you.
  6. Sometimes it’s better to use an assumed name.
  7. Your assignments will be handled through “the agency.”
  8. You know you’re good when someone has a contract on you.
  9. A single failure can end your career.
  10. You don’t retire; you die on the job.

*Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

#SFWApro

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I have been given my tentative panel assignments for Loscon, at the LAX Marriott November 24-26, and as I know that my appearances have long (well, since last year) been a highlight of the early holiday season, I wanted to list them here. They are, of course, subject to change, but if they do, I’ll let you know. (We don’t want a repeat of last year’s near-riot at the Star Trek panel when I didn’t show up!)*

I self-published my first book, and I didn’t die! (11/24, 5:30pm) I believe this panel was specifically named to exclude posthumous-American indie authors from attending. I will be taking this up with the committee on behalf of all of my writer colleagues who feel like zombies (which is pretty much all of them).

Blending mystery and speculative fiction. (11/25, 5:30pm) As far as I’m concerned, everything was speculative when I was trying to become a published author. It’s how I did that which remains a mystery.

Writing & Intuition: What happens next? (11/26, 2:30pm) As faithful readers of my blog know, it’s really the characters who write the story and the author simply takes the credit. So I’m going to allow one of my characters to sit on this panel for me–as soon as I can find one who lives in this century…

Given my schedule, I should be around for most of the con. Look me up and ask me to autograph your e-book. I’ll sign a piece of paper and you can tape it to your Kindle.

 

*Oh, wait, there was nearly a riot at the panel because I did show up. If I’d realized Star Trek was that popular, I wouldn’t have said those things…

#SFWApro

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In honor of its new cover, I have decided to extend the Once a Knight, A Tale of the Daze of Chivalry, sale for the for the month of November. Time to start that Christmas shopping…

Take one legendary samurai warrior, exiled from his adopted homeland by a technicality. Add one good-for-nothing, cheating, womanizing drunkard who has been exiled from every nation that has a border patrol.

Now make them brothers. And put the fate of two kingdoms on their shoulders.

You take your heroes where you find them.

brianswarriorfinal.pdf

You can obtain your copy from Amazon or Smashwords.

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I’m editing The Scent of Death, and it’s going… pretty well. As in, I’m not having to erase large tracts of pages and replace them. There are the usual awkward phrasings, the repetitious words, and some inconsistencies that I am correcting (all of them, I hope). But in the main, it’s going okay.

But it’s not going quickly. It feels as though editing is taking longer than the writing did. This is ridiculous, of course; last night I edited sixty pages. (If I could write sixty pages in one night, I’d be producing a novel a week.) But it feels that way.

The problem is that when you edit, you are rereading a novel you just, in effect, read. And when you write the whole damned thing in two months, you haven’t even had time to forget the beginning, let alone the ending. In my whole life, I have immediately gone back and read a novel a second time exactly once. And I wasn’t reading that one critically.

Which is the other problem, or really, the second half of the problem. You aren’t just reading the book, you’re editing it. You’re deliberately finding all the faults in your own work, and that’s everyone’s favorite pastime, right? How can a project which you tackled so joyfully a few weeks ago be such a pain in the neck now?

It’s kind of like being Victor Frankenstein, and after the first flush of creation, you see all the warts and flaws. You’d like to just start again and fix some of those things in the next version, but you’re still stuck with what you’ve just done. A book, like a seven-foot-tall golem, wants to go places. It wants to be seen by people. It doesn’t like being chained in a dungeon. So you have to let it out, but you can’t let it out like it looks now. People would be frightened. They’d call it a monster–and then they’d call you one, too. Worse yet, they’d call you a bad writer. Pitchforks and torches are one thing, but bad reviews…

So you edit your little monster, and you teach it some manners, and  you let it out, hoping that it won’t do too much damage and that eventually, when the next creation is ready, it will help them forget about your earlier, flawed, attempt. But then, if you’re lucky, to your surprise people start to befriend your monster, and to see in it the beauty you had always wanted to show, but thought you’d failed to do. And you realize that, after struggling through all that editing, maybe you didn’t create such a monster after all.

But by then, you’ve got another little creation coming out of the printer, and he’s all covered in warts and flaws, and his ears are where his nose should be, and you wonder if you’re ever going to get this right…

#SFWApro

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Apparently it’s hard to let a good meme go–especially when you’re desperate to come up with a good meme. And so it is with casting yesterday’s stars as today’s heroes. This time, though, I’m giving it a twist: In the spirit of the Adam West/Burt Ward Batman, we’re going to have some fun with the genre…

The Fantastic Four will be portrayed in their latest film epic, “Dr. Doom Soup,” by none other than The Marx Brothers. See Groucho as Mr. Fantastic, stretching logic to amazing lengths. See Chico as the irascible Thing, and Harpo as the fiery Human Torch, using his flame to do the talking. And as Sue Storm, we feature (no, not Margaret Dumont!), platinum bombshell Thelma Todd.

The West/Burt Batman was, as we’ve always known, not the first theatrical Batman. That honor belongs to Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. “This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into, Robin!” (Look for the episode featuring Charlie Chaplin as the Penguin.)

Before there was Daredevil on TV (what, there was a movie? Please, I’m trying to forget.), there was another “daredevil,” a real man without fear who did his own stunts, Harold Lloyd. (The guy hanging off the clock tower in downtown LA? That was him.) This version does tend to play to Lloyd’s comedic gifts a bit heavily, as Daredevil often as not comes across as blind and without powers, but it was an important early effort to bring superheroes into the mainstream.

And of course (a tip of the hat to frasersherman), William Powell and Myrna Loy are at the top of their game playing the super-powered version of The Thin Man, the Elongated Man, and his always-in-the-midst-of-it wife, Sue. You’d think these actors were born for these roles, and if you flipped that reasoning, you’d be absolutely right.

It’s not surprising that these characters took so long to return to the screen (if they have) after being played by such iconic actors. And there are those (including myself) who secretly believe that the older versions, black & white, even silent, were better…

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