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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I have put my comic fantasy, Once a Knight, a Tale of the Daze of Chivalry, on sale for the month of October for $2.99. You can buy it on Amazon and at Smashwords.com. Fair warning: This is a serious offer for a book that is anything but.

Bruce Legume, the legendary White Samurai, would sell his life for honor. Stephen Legume, the infamous Kid Legume, would sell his mother for a pair of kings.

When the White Samurai is disgraced and exiled (on a technicality), he is overjoyed to discover his long-lost brother Stephen. In Stephen, Bruce finds a guide and a mentor. He gives freely of his friendship and his trust, making one thing very, very clear:

The White Samurai doesn’t know people at all.

 

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I am happy to report that I have sold audio reprints of “Founding Principals” and “Paying the Tab” to Manawaker Studios’ Flash Fiction Podcast. Podcasts always add an extra (and extra-entertaining) dimension to stories because of the narrators’ interpretations are always fascinating, and I am looking forward to hearing these. When they go live, you’ll be the first to know.

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With all the storm und drang that has rained down since the Hugos, I could have ranted about the outcome and the various parties reactions for at least 400 words. But I don’t want to. I want to talk about something completely different and totally insignificant. Thus, my humble offerings of things you can say about fans (or anyone else, if you’re talking to fans) who just don’t have enough rocket fuel to quite reach the Moon.

He’s so dumb, he couldn’t find a robot on an episode of Futurama.

He’s so dumb, he likes to go jogging alone on the Nostromo.

He’s so dumb, he keeps volunteering for away missions.

He’s so dumb, he told Cyclops, “Take off those glasses so I can hit you.”

He’s so dumb, he challenged the Flash to a duel.

He’s so dumb, he thinks those really weren’t the droids he was looking for.

He’s so dumb, he bought a house in Haven.

He’s so dumb, he thinks The Moon is a Harsh Mistress is Fifty Shades of Gray with werewolves.

He’s so dumb, he sold a life insurance policy to a Stark.

He’s so dumb, he went to Mount Doom for the skiing.

And (mercifully) last but not least…

He’s so dumb, he went to Doctor Who for a physical and now he doesn’t know when he got it done.

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My mind was recently wandering (as it is wont to do) along paths not traceable by normal means, with odd ideas burbling up from places that probably require spring cleaning themselves (and have since 1995). I don’t think this phenomenon is abnormal, though; I challenge any writer to clear a shower drain and not think about Lovecraft.

Given such a start, however, I naturally (!) began to wonder what various fictional characters of a speculative bent might find themselves doing after they have vanquished all the evildoers in town, or completed their quests, or whatever the show runner has designed them to do. Some ideas follow. And if Hollywood attempts to use any of this, then we will know that they have truly run out of original concepts.

In a Flash Delivery Service. “You’ll have it before you know you want it.” Caution: In case of pizza delivery, be ready to grab it; deliveryman is always hungry.

Stargate Tours. “You’re on time or you’re out of luck.” The routes are rough and you have to carry your own bags, but they do take you places off the beaten track.

Star Trekkers. “Boldly go where no tourist has gone before.” For the more sophisticated traveler. Trips are really long (5 – 75 years), but all incidentals are covered, including a spiffy red company shirt.

Haven B&B. “Pack up your Troubles in your old kit bag.” Quaint atmosphere, but we recommend being very polite to the locals.

Sleepy Hollow Plumbers and Rooters. Motto: “Trust us, we’ve witnessed worse.” Tunneling work a specialty.

Insurance Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. “We’ve protected much better stuff than yours.” Offices are hard to locate, but they do tend to show up when you most need coverage.

Arrow Exterminators. “Your pests will think they have targets on their backs.” Their equipment’s a little unconventional, and they have a high turnover rate, but one way or another they get the job done.

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